Hausfrau Speaks-Visit to Death Row (Part 2)

Visit to Death Row, Part 2

After corresponding with Toney for almost a year, and reading his desire to have a visitor for so long, I filed the paperwork, passed the background check, and decided to go visit.

I looked Toney up on the Internet, just to see if there was a photo.  As I suspected, there was.  I already knew to expect a black man, so the photo was no big surprise.  He would be considered nice looking, medium tone skin, short black hair dark brown eyes.  He wasn't smiling, and the photo was just head and shoulders, so I had no idea how tall or large he was.  I had my first panic attack then.  Writing a letter is one thing, but going to visit a murderer?  Mama, what the hell are you thinking?

I wrote to Toney, and said I would come to visit on Saturday.  And, as the day got nearer, I began having panic attacks...then, I would talk myself down...after all, I was meeting him within a PRISON...NOT in a dark alley!  I said I would do this and I was adamant that I would keep my word!

You may remember that my dad was in the Navy.  Because of that, and the issue with my biological egg-donor, my sister and I moved frequently.  We also changed schools several times due to "bussing" laws.  The experience of constantly changing school districts, attending new schools, meeting new friends and adapting to new environments has actually served me well over my lifetime.  In reality, I am a very shy person, but I learned how to outwardly APPEAR calm, cool and collected, but my natural shyness is something I have always had to work at to overcome!  I learned pretty quickly that IF I ALLOWED my insecurities and fright to rule me, that I would NEVER have friends.   I just APPEAR to be much more confident than I really am!

So, when Saturday rolled around, I showered slowly (procrastinating), ate a little breakfast, kissed my dear husband and got into my car and started my adventure.

Te first 00-150 miles of the area along I-10 between Jacksonville and Tallahassee is just flat, barely inhabited farm land.  Raiford is located in Butler County and its economy is dependent on agriculture, timber and the prison complex.  The total population of Butler County (2000) was approximately 15,000 people; Raiford had approximately 190 residents living in fewer than 80 homes. The prison at Raiford is just 60 miles from my home, about 90 minutes.

Raiford is the home of Union Correctional Institution (UCI), and Florida State Prison (FSP).  The two separate institutions were originally one. UCI was the state's first prison, and was originally called Florida State Prison, the name going with the newer institution when the two were split. Both institutions house inmates in Death Row facilities. FSP conducts all executions, while most death row inmates are housed at UCI. UCI has the most diverse population of any correctional institution in the state, with close management inmates and psych inmates as well as open population inmates. Most of the latter are age fifty and over. FSP houses the violent and criminally insane, all in solitary confinement. The penitentiary compound encompasses over fifty acres and includes a farm where much food is grown that feeds inmates. The prison is the subject of the Lynyrd Skynyrd song "Four Wall of Raiford" This prison was shown in an episode of the 1960s TV program "The Fugitive".  With my luck, being what it was that day, I started at the WRONG prison, unaware that TWO prisons were on that road, so back into the car and down the road for another 3/10ths mile!  (FSP accommodates 1400 inmates, UCI accommodates 2172, and as if 2/25/15, 393 are on Death Row which includes 5 women) (In)Famous inmates (E) executed or (D) died prior to execution were: Ted Bundy (E), Eileen Wournos (E), John Couey (D) and Otis Toole (D) were all inmates at UCI/FSP complex.

The drive from the house up to I-10 was a little hectic; Jacksonville suffers the same infrastructure issues as most large cities, widening the freeway, adding egress ramps, and merging freeways even on a Saturday morning slows progress.  But once I was on I-10, the miles just zipped by.  I had way too long to think, though, and I had a good case of nerves by the time I got to the Raiford exit.  My GPS took me the LONG way, of course...out an old farm-to-market road, where the speed limit was 35-40, instead of 65.

Finally, I arrived at UCI, where Toney was housed. And then, went thru the lengthy protocol to actually get INTO the visiting room...we pick up there...

I opened the door when I heard the entry buzzer, and stepped into a room approximately 50 feet wide by 70 feet long.  To the immediate right were two COs, male and female.  I stepped over to the desk, and showed my credentials, and the officer told me that he would have the inmate brought out.  During that first visit, it was almost a shock to hear "inmate" so often.  You become accustomed in real life to "Mr, Jones" or "Toney", but it seemed that at every opportunity, the COs and staff make a point of using "inmate" as a proper pronoun!  There were several boxes of playing cards on the COs desk, and I asked if I could "borrow" them until my "inmate" arrived, and of course, I was granted that.  So, I took the cards in hand and glanced around the room.

Along the right wall was a "Concessions" window, next to that, a table with a microwave, some weird little sporks, and condiments, and on either side of the concessions window, a uni-sex water-closet! (Which I VOWED not to use!). On the far side of the room were two soda machines and a machine that dispensed bottled water.  On the left side of the room were big windows, but the "view" was only the backside of another building, but sunshine was nice!  The middle of the room was filled with stainless steel tables bolted to the floor, and 4 stainless steel stools about 12 inches in diameter.  Boy! Those things were COLD on my bootie! Each table was numbered, so I went to the table I had been assigned to, and tried to look around without looking like Mrs. Farmer Brown Just Come to Town!  There were probably 20 tables in the room, and only 5 were occupied.  One table was occupied by a Jewish couple.  There was one table with a black inmate and a younger white lady, and the rest were white couples and one couple with a young child.  Toney later told me that culturally, white families tend to come and visit, black families generally do not.

As I sat at my table, trying not to watch others in the room...occasionally a man dressed in his prison uniform would step thru a door I hadn't noticed, next to the men's room.  I would look up, expectantly, and check if the person coming into the room was Toney.  Even tho I had tried to memorize the face in the picture on the web page, I hadn't done a very good job.  Everyone and no one looked like him!  Some were obvious, white inmates, Jewish inmates, corrections officers...I was starting to feel like I was sitting at the bar of Denim & Diamonds circa 1985, hoping some cowboy would ask me to do a little "boot-scooting"...

FINALLY...he came thru the door...(and I was already ready to go home)...I stood up and gave him a quick, light hug...then we both sat down.  He told me that he didn't remember the last time he had been hugged.  I kinda felt sorry for him actually...

It was probably 12:30 or 12:45 by the time he entered the room.  I asked if he had lunch yet, and he said he had, but he was still hungry.  So, I bought us some sodas out of the machine as he stood in the canteen line.  When I joined him in line I noticed that the two best sellers at the window were "honey buns" and "hot dogs"...either way, they were nuked in the microwave...it was one of those box contraptions that has a dial timer on it, not digital, so you aren't sure if the 2 minutes was really 2 minutes or 10!  Everything came out of the micro the same: over-cooked!  Hot dogs were either exploded or more wrinkled than Grampa's....never mind...pretty cooked, anyway!  The "honey buns" seemed to be swimming in yellow stuff, which I assumed to be margarine.  Toney chose a honey bun and peanut butter cookies, I selected a container of carrots and celery.  (No wonder all these guys have diabetes and colon issues!  None if them EAT right!)

My ability to talk to almost anyone came in handy that day.  (only my dear MIL, may she RIP, has hated my guts before even learning my name, but as gramma told grampa when his jack-ass kicked him "consider the source!")  We talked about the Arias trial for a good while.  I found it interesting that men on death row thought JODI should get the Death Penalty!!  The opportunities for recreation on DR are limited, to say the least.  Toney must attend 8-10 "counts" every day, but other than that, and his 3 per week shower and 3 per week "rec"-- from 4:30 am to 9:30 pm, his time is unstructured.  He works on his appeal, writes letters, (he has several pen pals, but I'm his "favorite"! (Want to buy land in Florida?))  read books (1 per week), clean his cell, exercise and "chat" with the fellows in the next cell or with the "good" COs and watch TV!  The channels they receive are limited.  But do you remember when Court TV went off the air, the slack was picked up by HLN?  They didn't get Court TV, but DID get HLN!  So most of them, like us, the trial was the topic for every one!

We talked about his family, we talked about Jacksonville, we talked about 10 or 15 different topics. Mostly, he wanted to know about the world outside. He was amazed that 60" TVs exist, he's never been on "the Internet", never wasted the afternoon with a PlayStation or Wii....it was almost like revealing the world to a newly discovered tribe that had no idea that the rest of the world existed!

At 2:30, I told him that I wanted to beat the rush out...so I gathered my trash, gave him a brief hug and we said goodbye.

Leaving the visiting room was very similar, going thru the maze of fences, checking out, an inventory of my glasses, keys, and jewelry.  Waiting in front of gates, listening for buzzers, etc.

I had no thoughts about whether I was affected or not...until I stepped through that last gate and into "freedom"...it was the very same outside air on THIS side of the fence as the outside air on THAT side of the fence...so why did it smell "cleaner"?  As I walked to my car, I noticed that there were not as many cars parked in the lot as when I arrived, yet I hadn't noticed anyone leaving the visiting room. The "beep-beep" of the car's security system was reassuring in an odd way...I got into the car and started the engine, put the A/C on high and backed out of the space and headed for the entrance.  I didn't understand why *I* was feeling anxious! As my dad used to say "I'm free and 21!"!

A sense of relief came over me as I pulled out on the highway, and began my drive home. Thousands of thoughts swirled through my head.  I had a 100 questions I wanted to ask Toney, but, I wasn't sure I wanted the answers, and in a way, the questions seemed almost "rude".  I am the one and only person in the world that doesn't call him 300807, I'm the only person who sees him not as an inmate, but a man.  That is almost a "gift" isn't it?  Why ruin it?

I also had a lot of thoughts about Arias.  I wondered how many of her "supporters" would still be interested in her if they knew nothing of her crime?  Many are just "contrarians", what ever everyone else believes, they will take the opposite side.

Unlike Toney, who isn't "notorious", Arias has no anonymity.  Wherever she goes, she's known to be the murderer of Travis Alexander.  She's 90% murderer and 10% everything else, Toney, on the other hand, yes, is incarcerated...but people don't know his crime first.  I was able to see the other parts that make up the man. 

Let's say you had to opportunity to sit and talk with Arias...what would you have to ask about, other than how she murdered Travis? Her tracings would take about a minute, and everything else would take about two minutes.  Overall, she's not very interesting, and the only thing she has ever been successful at accomplishing is...yes....killing Travis Alexander...

That little girl voice she uses would Make me want to knock her block off!!  I've noticed in her letters, everything is me, me, me, I, I. I...Toney's letters rarely talk about himself...I have to drag information out of him...and he has tons of questions!

All of these thoughts, and more swirled through my head all the way home....finally, as I drove up to our home, a peace came over me.  I parked the car in the garage, went inside...petted Boo, who is not used to Mama being gone THAT long...then went up to my dear husband's office.

I was overwhelmed with the love I have for him.  He has not once raised his voice, not even a sharp "NO!" To Boo when he is being naughty.  I've never seen him angry.  Yes, he's kinda a "crusty old fart" on the outside, but he's a big old marshmallow on the inside.  Always "there" when I need a hug, always there for anything I need.  Always level-headed, thoughtful and compassionate.  Always supportive in whatever project I'm working on. 

It was easy to forget Union Correctional Institution, Toney and yes, even the Arias trial when my dear husband stood up and walked over to me...and just hugged me and held me close.  No words were necessary.  He would ask questions later...right then, he knew I just need him to hold me, and reassure me that all was well in my world.


FLORIDA STATISTICS
Statistics:  longest on Death Row: Freddie Hall DOB:7/21/45. Received: 12/24/68
Oldest in DR: Nelson Serrano DOB:9/15/38 Received: 6/26/2007
Approximately 177 inmates have been on death row prior to 1996

Women on death row in Florida:
Tiffany Cole. DOB:12/3/81 R:3/7/08        Double murder/buried couple alive
Amelia Carr. DOB: 8/4/84. R:2/23/11.      Murdered BFs x-wife/duct taped to chair,suffocated
Margaret Allen. DOB: 1/26/66.R5/19/11  Tortured housekeeper for hours before murdering her
Ana M. Cardona D:11/26/61.R:7/12/11   Tortured/murdered 3-year old son-Baby Lollipop
Tina Brown B:7/19/70. R:10/3/12             Beat V w/stungun, tire iron & set on fire-2 weeks to die


NOTES:  Current status of State Executions:
Executions in Florida are currently STAYED to allow time for the U.S. Supreme Court to hear a case challenging Oklahoma's lethal injection protocols. (Florida uses the same lethal injection protocol as Oklahoma)

#On February 13, 2015, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf issued a memorandum announcing a moratorium on all executiions in the state. The memo stated that no executions will take place at least until he has "received and reviewed the forthcoming report of the Pennsylvania Task Force and Advisory Commission on Capital Punishment."  

^On January 30, 2015, the Ohio State Department of Rehabilitation and Corrections announced that it would postpone all of the six executions scheduled in 2015 to that point. All of these executions would be scheduled in 2016 to allow time for the state to obtain new drugs for lethal injections. The new drugs that Ohio announced it would be trying to obtain were sodium thiopental and pentobarbital.

†UPDATE: The U.S. Supreme Court issued a stay on January 28, 2015. On January 26, 2015, the Oklahoma state Attorney General Scott Pruitt asked the United States Supreme Court to stay all executions scheduled to that point. The four inmates on Oklahoma's death row sued the state on the grounds that the lethal injection protocol violated the Eighth Amendment. On  January 23, 2015, the US Supreme Court agreed to hear the case brought forth by the inmates. Pruitt requested the stays to allow the Supreme Court to hear the case and reach a decision regarding the constitutionality of Oklahoma's lethal injection protocol. 

*On September 9, 2014, the Ohio State Department of Rehabilitation Corrections revised its execution schedule for all death sentences previously scheduled from March 2014 and beyond. This was done in order to comply with the August 6, 2014 Federal Court ruling that no executions could be carried out until at least January 2015. The court  imposed this moratorium in order to compel a review of Ohio's lethal injection protocol. 

Hausfrau Speaks-Letters from Arias' Mailbag

Arias:

I considered the NORMAL salutation "Dear Jxxx", but, to be honest, I don't know of any person who considers you "dear" right now, and the majority of us are so disgusted with your antics, we don't want to hear your name even one more time, and if we MUST refer to you, we use only your last name.  Perhaps SFY, Slut From Yreka, would work, but that doesn't describe all that you are and gives honest sluts a bad reputation.

Having a personality disorder, or bi-polar, or whatever your diagnosis of the day is, doesn't absolve you of responsibility for your actions.  It is no secret that you left high school over 18 years ago, yet you keep reflecting nothing but the juvenile high school acts of a 16 year old where ever you go.  Instead of "paying your dues" and staying in school another year, you dropped out during your junior year.  Granted, you got a GED--but only because there was nothing else better to do in JAIL!  

Instead of applying that Einsteiny IQ you supposedly have by going to college, you took the easy way; bussing tables and waitressing.  There is no excuse, the REASON you have is that you didn't want to--available are student loans, grants and scholarships, so money is never a viable excuse.  If there's a will, there's a way.

You've chosen the road you walk, no one caused your issues.

People see you for what you are, and as each day passes, they become even more convinced they are seeing your "true self".  In all honesty, I'm offended that you've labeled anyone who disagrees with you "a hater". The things that are said about you are in regard to the choices you've made for yourself.  We see only what you show us, and a good number of us know bullship when we see it or hear it, and the old saying goes "you cannot bullship a bullshipper!"  You also cannot convince someone who has experience true domestic violence that YOU'VE experienced it too, unless you really have!  But more on that in a moment.

According to the Urban Dictionary, a "hater" Is a person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for, or creates problems for a successful person.

Let's take that definition piece by piece.  "A hater is a person who feel anger..."

Yes, most of us ARE angry, but we are angry that you murdered a man who was more than you will ever be! Travis strove to “serve more, love more, give more, and be more.”  You have never tried to do those things, you've never succeeded in those things.

"...and/or jealousy (really?) for someone someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for"

Yea, about that....Sure, we've have always dreamed of being a waitress...and we regret spending that last year getting our high school diploma!  Just how long do you have to train to be a waitress?  I would hate to discover that I wasted all those years getting my college degree and my certifications when I could have been a successful waitress!

"Or creates problems for a successful person."

No one is "causing" your problems! And the only person who might view you as
"successful" is your own narcissistic self!

Sadly, Arias, your problems are of your own making.  No one "caused" them for you.  The sooner you realize that you are responsible for your own actions, the happier you will be!  

No one is unjustly attacking you, no one is jealous of you, no one wants to BE you! You can't just put the "hater" label on everyone who doesn't fall for your juvenile headgames!

Your days among us are numbered Arias. Actually, your time is measured by those 12 men and women deciding your fate right this very moment.  You are sadly mistaken if you believe Nurmi will win you an exit from Perryville as you appeal; your minions are wrong.  Too many sane, logical individuals are beginning to believe that the only reason you aren't classed as a serial murderer is that your own narcissistic brain believed you were to "Einstieny" to be caught in your first murder! Everywhere, parents of sons are relieved that you are incarcerated. You are a dangerous woman.

There are some people who say you are "beautiful", mostly men with ulterior motivesfor using those words.  What few appealing physical features you possess are overwhelmed by the ugliness of your heart and the depravity of your thinking.  You aren't even a good sociopath!  The best of those can convincingly perform acts ofcontrition, and pretend to have remorse.  You cannot even do that.  You are pathetic.  

Most of us wish that we were able to understand what went so horribly wrong in your life that would cause you to do something so heinous? Those of us were were TRULY abused children, those of us who were abandoned in garbage cans, trailers or dumpsters...those of us who would urinate in fright when our parents screamed our name, those of us who had to hide the bruises, welts and scars that our parents inflicted...we are the ones who resent your "sad story" about being hit with a spoon!  How I wish my parents HAD USED A SPOON!

Your stories of "not wanting to hurt Travis" by scratching his eyes is as fake as your ninja story.  Those of us who have been choked KNOW that you think NOT about hurting the person attacking...ONLY of removing the hands from your throat! Lies, all lies.  Travis never slapped you! Thirty years ago, my husband slapped me, and I still remember how it felt, where it was and what happened afterward.  I don't need to stop and think, it's as clear today as it was the day it happened!  If Travis broke your finger, where is the x-Ray proving your finger was broke?  Not in evidence!  The break in my wrist that my ex-husband caused is STILL visible in X-Rays!  Where are the phone call to the police?  Nicole a Brown Simpson had photographs, police reports,etc.  Where are yours? You don't have them, because it never happened.

Maybe you really don't understand our anger and frustration.  I pray that at some point in your incarceration, you will come to realize just why we are so angry!  I pray that Travis gets Justice.  And I pray that you receive the verdict which you earned and so richly deserve!

Hausfrau Speaks-Arias Diary -Before Murder

Before the Killing 

Thurs. May 22, 2008

Today has been a day of good news and sadness. Good news: my phone arrived! And not a moment too soon. Sad news: I finally had “the conversation” with Travis and it did not go well. I sort of put it to him already in an e-mail I sent a few days ago and he didn’t like that either, not nor did he take the hint. So I realized I had to be a little bit more direct. I told him that of course I’m looking for[ward] to his impending visit, that I can’t wait to check more things off the list (from 1,000 places), but that we probably would be better off in all ways if we were not physical.

He got offended and upset, then acted distant. I tried being so sweet and speak kindly to him, playing up all of the advantages of not violating the law of chastity, and he didn’t want to hear any of it. He said he already knows all that. Then it got worse, he asked me who I’m seeing, have I been getting my kicks with someone else, etc. Of course I swore that I wasn’t (which is true) but also pointed out that even if I was, then that’s my right. I also pointed out that I didn’t freak out when he confessed his potentially underlying love for Mimi. He said to leave his love life out of it. Typical. Then after a moment, he apologized, and said a lot of his frustration is from the fact that things in his dating life aren’t going that well, that yes, he still likes Mimi, but it’s not progressing the way he wants to, and he’s leaning towards giving up on her. I told him to be patient, she’ll come around.

The problem with Travis, is that he so used to guys girls falling all over themselves for him and she doesn’t do that. He needs that, I really think he does, –to wait.

Well, even sadder is we agreed to amicably part ways. He is an amazing person, and he’s told me countless times that I am one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met–on the inside and out. But it is really better this way. We both agreed to change our passwords, which we had exchanged eons ago to establish, or reestablish “trust” which we had both violated, so no more of that. We had both picked 2 accounts so I chose Facebook and Gmail and he chose Facebook and MySpace.

We are truly good people at the core, both of us, but we can’t behave ourselves when were around each other, not even over the phone. He said I am still like kryptonite to him. But I’m tired of being guilt-ridden when the air clears.

I knew it was wrong going over there all those nights but I couldn’t say no to him, I couldn’t not pick up the phone. He would rationalize it saying “it’s really not that bad,” or “come on, I want to please you,” and I was weak. I went anyway, I answered the phone anyway.

Moving has certainly helped me morally. I don’t know if it has him or if he’s found a replacement booty-call. For his sake I hope he hasn’t, not because it would be a replacement but because it is not spiritually productive. We both want to get married and I don’t think either of us is anywhere near that if we continue to act immorally w/each other. I am mortified that my phone was stolen. It had a hugely scandalous text message from him (10 pgs!) that he sent last week. It would make a steamy romance novel sound like a script from a G-rated Disney movie. I also had 1 or 2 recorded conversations that were equally as scandalous. I never did figure out how to play those back for him. Well they’re gone now and we won’t be making more. Well, actually I wouldn’t bet on it entirely, one of us will crack and call the other. It’s crazy, but what can you do?

Wherever my phone is now, I just hope text messages and conversations are never discovered. Yikes. It’s certainly not Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton level scandal, there’s no videos but it would be embarrassing nonetheless.

I am honestly relieved about the whole thing. The “just friends” had many complicated “benefits.” I’m not seeing anyone per se, but somehow I feel like it’s still isn’t fair to any of my current prospects. And Travis said he still certain he wants to marry Mimi, although they’re not yet dating. It’s not fair to her either, in my opinion. We hadn’t talked about her in so long, I didn’t realize he was still in pursuit. I wouldn’t dare lecture him over it though. The first thing that almost popped out of my mouth was, “then why the hell are we still messing around if that’s the case?!?” But I kept it shut. For two reason[s.] 1: it would be like the pot calling the kettle black (as I’ve had my eyon eye on some wonderful’s myself. 2. I honestly don’t think Travis can be monogamous. I’m certain he wasn’t w/ me, although I don’t dwell on it anymore, but my certainty was further solidified when his pattern of behavior continued with his next girlfriend, Lisa Andrews. When he finally admitted that they had been dating, I felt so guilty. I almost wanted to tell her, it seemed only fair, but by then had already broken up and he had moved on to Mimi. Besides, not only would telling her destroy our friendship (mine and his), but it would cause a lot of unnecessary drama and pain. And just because Travis acted like a schmuck when it came to how he treated his previous girlfriends, doesn’t mean he’s capable of learning how to be better. It’s just that I’ve yet to see evidence of it. But perhaps it will be different w/ Mimi. One things for sure, I wouldn’t want to be the “other girl” in that relationship, I couldn’t handle the guilt. And these things don’t necessarily discount all of his other amazing qualities. He’s done more for me than I could ever cout count. He’s helped me in every area of my life. I’m indebted to him for all of the wonderful things that his done. He’s just so dang hot and cold. Bi-polar even, it would seem. But I have a gazillion memories that we’ve created that I will always value, just like the ones w/ Bobby, Matt, and Darryl. All unique. All special, all priceless.

Anyway, one thing I do know is it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m saddened and, yes, but it feels like a conclusion, like closure. The final chapter was finally written, and the ending was bittersweet. He said on some level, we will always be friends, but we both agreed that it’s better this way. It’s true. It is very much in alignment with the e-mail I sent him a few days ago. He’ll be so much better off this way spiritually and emotionally. And I’ll start dating for real again soon. Not this casual fill-in-your-Friday-night stuff. I won’t miss his teasing or his bi-polar tendencies to snap and yell and say things he ends up regretting, but I will miss his sense of humor. We’ll still have his car to take care of, but he’ll keep me posted on any new developments. He said if all else fails, then we’ll just scrap it but I would…END